could have done 24 for my birthday but so close. this post is relating to it, though. what made me happy today is this:
I got a turntable! aghh, happy me. my goal was a new phone, but my parents cant afford it. and this was close, I mean im really into vintage things. and I love this. all I need is a typewriter now. which my mum was currently searching for. I heard her talking to someone on the phone if they sold any. I know she’s just asking about it, but she still wanted to get it for me. I know I don’t deserve all of this because I was a bad daughter in most of the years, but she looks past that because she’s blessed to have me as her daughter, just like how I am blessed to have a mother like that. and a father like mine.
I hope this new year for me will be filled with less sadness and tears. I know that’s not certain but I can always hope against hope.
hm so I just read this report about a nineteen year old girl getting raped, from where I live. she befriended two men at a hotel and went to a party with them. she woke up in the hospital to find out she was raped. and it just got me thinking, it was partially her fault for going with two men she doesn’t know to a party, but not as much as the men taking advantage of her while unconscious, it startled me, it scared me. I know men had that power but they should use it. its just revolting ugh. I know theres a lot of campaigns for these things but does it look like it helps? this is our youth right now. and I really don’t want to be here.
here I am debating on whether or not to do my homework. I don’t really have a choice because I really don’t feel like it but once its the last day of break, i’ll have that inspiration.
hm the reason why I didn’t post a 100 post thing yesterday (and perhaps today too) is because my life is really sad right now. its a joke, laugh at it. by it being my life. you’d probably say this is a meaningless, dramatic post well screw you, why are you reading in the first place. shoo. if you stayed, well hi. maybe my worry is my birthday being a total bust. I usually don’t care about it because whats the point really but I thought 16 meant something and I just want it to be different. I wanted to feel different. not the same depressed girl since 13 years of age. cant I still be me but different. that i’ll never know. and this probably doesn’t make sense but see life doesn’t make sense. so bye.
I don’t know why but I feel genuinely sad right now. I don’t know if its because of my birthday or the fact that this spring break is too short or because im tired or because of my insecurities or my lack of hope in everything or her or my studies. maybe its all of the above. and it doesn’t even matter because no one fucking cares. especially not about me and why do I even bother with this. why do I even bother breathing the same air as everyone.
I don’t want this. I don’t want to become bitter. I don’t want to become someone im not because of the pain ive been having. but then what I want to do right now is just lay down in my bed, curl up and cry. that’s what I want to do but even that I cant do right now. im gonna force myself to study and understand by myself. no one seems to help me or even wants to. and I don’t want to go to anyone anymore.
happy easter! the say started off badly as family puts out their frustration on me. insults that i would rather let go of. but, ended in a somehow good way. this day was just not my day (not my year per say; i can feel it already) but there were these two kids wanting to draw. and that made me happy because yeah, maybe they are bad at it but they still do it and they believe its beautiful. maybe thats how i need to look at life. its being bad too but i gotta believe there is something beautiful about life. i am just tired of everything.
i was actually trying to laugh and smile while guests were here but i couldnt take it so i went to the bathroom and cried. i just watched myself cry then washed my face. yes im thinking of her. and i keep seeing him not making a big deal of it or try to comfort me in any way possible and just left. to think he told me he would show me he appreciated me or is there for me. i dont wanna believe any more lies. lies.
so this boy came. honestly, there’s so much to say about yesterday. but basically it was a great day. I thought he wouldn’t come but in the end he did. and he made me happy today. we played truth or dare, which was hilarious, we talked, we kissed, we laughed, we ate, we watched- I don’t even know there’s so much. but I was blessed because I needed that day with him.
after a while, more friends came (I forgot to take a picture; sad) so it was merrier. we played a game of UNO, ate in my room, had a game of chess. it was funny because that guy above keeps winning, he’s smart. I was a sore loser haha. and everyone left pretty late (like 1am) so I couldn’t post this. (it wouldn’t be 19th anyway haha) but yes, thank you God.
using ipod so i cant put the 21/100 thing on top but here i go.
so today is when Good Friday. Jesus died today and i tried not to have fun as possible. but after mass with my family we went to this mall and ate. that made me happy. and i had ice cream two times and that made me happier (see that picture yeah first time trying it and it was amazing) but what made me the happiest is knowing i get to see my boy tomorrow. it was a miracle for his parents to allow him but thank God they did. i just pray there is no last minute changes to this. please. i need to be with him after so long agh i will lose it haha but yeah, today was okay.
don’t you just get so mad that you end up crying out the anger? yeah I hate when I do that. I just hate it that you’re already so full of anger and then you just end up crying. well today is the beginning of my spring break. spending it at home, haha. even my birthday.
I just hope that one day I use these breaks wisely, going somewhere I haven’t been before. just explore because im tired of this.
yesterday was my friend’s birthday and the fact that we spent it in school was pretty sad. but at break time, we were just eating normally, she brought a cake (cheesecake yum) and we just enjoyed each other’s company. after that, she brought this packet of chocolates with either strawberry or normal thingys on the inside and we saw they all had the same packet. so we thought it would be spontaneous to try it out and see what we got. we all didn’t want the strawberry one so we tried it out in fear, trying not to bite a big one. then the birthday girl saw there was a pink colored packet. which means that’s the strawberry one. and we all laughed so much, we couldn’t breathe. because while we were all seeing what we got she just picked it up and went ‘oops’. you know that 1 second silence before laughing out because your thoughts are processing? yeah that happened and it was really hilarious and I guess you can say the birthday girl made me happy.
I was bipolar today. I went back to school which made me want to back out and go home, although I was happy with my friends there. then, I was happy again in break time with the birthday girl and my group. however it became so low and sad after break time. I was quiet and not feeling well. then, I found out I didn’t get the marks I wanted for Accounts which bummed me way down. then at the end of the day, I thought I’d see my boy but he didn’t come which didn’t bum me out till after a while. I thought to myself is this a delayed effect of am I just really that weird. today was just a bust.